you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
