Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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