So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
