how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
