you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
