I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I look better un-naked...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
