Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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