I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
