i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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