U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
