I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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