i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Can Purell be used as lube?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
