My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
