Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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