I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everything about him screamed your future.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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