I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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