life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
