so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
