i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
