yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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