Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
