Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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