i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
