did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
