i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
