last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
