you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's shark week go big or go home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
