Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
