I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
