If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
