I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
