I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize