Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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