It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
