the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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