Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
