I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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