Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The power of my boobs compel you
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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