Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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