My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
