i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
