my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
