Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Who died my cat blue again?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
