When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
