She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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