he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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