she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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