i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
