i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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