I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My penis needs a shock collar
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
