No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
