I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
