i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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