He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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