hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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