My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
